


I'm Sorry

by Shavallama



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Songfic, song: Let You Down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 04:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15284115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shavallama/pseuds/Shavallama
Summary: Suzanne listens to "Let You Down" by NF for the first time while driving, and can't help but relate it to her own life.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Let You Down](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/397584) by NF. 



> My first fanfiction in a /very/ long time. Any constructive critisims is appreciated, and I hope you all enjoy ^^'

Wind whipped past the open window of the car as Suzanne Bittle rested her arm along the outside of the door, Georgia’s blisstering heat beating down threw the glass pains only slightly alleviated by the breeze. She sighed as she reached the next red light, and decided that maybe some music would be able to distract her from the sun- among other things that had transpired over the past couple days. Tapping the knob, she startled at the overly squeaky voice blasting through the car speakers.  
_“Feels like I’m on the edge right now_

_ I wish that I could say I’m proud...” _

What was this? She wasn’t particularly fond music from this channel, now looking at what the numbers displayed on the console. She went to switch the station, but stuttered as the words sunk into her, twisting around her already crumbling heart. The high pitched voice started to sound less annoying, more sorrowful and broken. She could hear herself.

_ “...I’m sorry that I let you down _

_ Let you down _

_ All these voices in my head get loud _

_ I wish that I could shut them out _

_ I’m sorry that I let you down _

_ Le-le-let you down...” _

 

She jumped back to last weekend, after herself and Coach had shut off the TV. The dozens upon dozens of calls from relatives, friends, coworkers, who were calling to ask them if they had seen what  _ there son had just done on national television. _ People handing out condolences and poorly times jokes, remarks underlined with anger and contempt for her baby, her most precious person in the entire world, and all she had thought to do at the time was give a fake laugh back and politely end the conversation as quickly as possible. She wanted to rip them all a new one, to go off on each and every one of them for hours on end for ever thinking that her child was anything other than perfect to her, but in that moment she was much to caught off guard with her own emotions to do anything, so the only thing she could do was be polite. 

 

_ “...I guess I’m a disappointment,  _

_ doin’ everything I can _

_ I don’t wanna make you disappointed, it’s annoying _

_ I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever do _

_ Was never tryna make an issue for you…” _

She could see the pain in Dicky’s eyes when he said that he was switching to hockey. Figure skating was something that he loved, that was carved into his heart and soul. She had seen him out on the ice enough times to know how freely he was able to breathe, in his element and surrounded by others who enjoyed what he did. But she also saw the tired look her husband would give their son at times, the extra long sighs and the quick head turns. She saw how it hurt her boy, but she didn’t know how to navigate the situation if no one was talking freely about what they were feeling. She wanted to comfort him but didn’t know of the best way how, didn’t know what he needed to hear to know that whatever he chose, she would stand by him if nothing else. When their son switched to the hockey team she saw the proud look on Coach’s face, and thought about why they couldn’t both show that expression at the same time.

  
  


_ “... What did I do wrong this time? _

_ That's parents for you _

_ Very loyal? Shoulda had my back _

_ But you put a knife in it—my hands are full _

_ What else should I carry for you? _

_ I cared for you, but…” _

 

Her son’s voice was wavering as he spoke to her on the phone. He was afraid- so afraid of what she would say to him. She tried her best to keep her tone as warm and full of love as she possibly could, hoping at some point it’d soothe him. With every sentence she could hear his breath start to tighten and feel his heart squeezing. He was afraid of her, and that was something that broke her heart in so many more ways than she ever thought possible. She could never hate him, never abandon him or throw him away. Eric was her son and she loved him no matter what, but at some point he had begun to think that that wasn’t true. He had kept this part of him secret from them for so long that he had assumed the worst- lost trust in her, the one person who no matter what would always love him unconditionally. What had she said, she done, that made him think she couldn’t be trusted?  _ ‘Lot’s of things’ _ she had thought in the back of her mind.  _ ‘So many times it’s happened that you can’t even remember them all.’  _

She shook off the thought off, trying to stay in the present for her son, so she could tell him what he needed to hear.“ _ Dicky, Honey,  _ **_I love you_ ** _ , okay?”  _ That was all she could think to say in that moment, because she needed him to know that it was and would always be true. She never wanted him to feel like he could drive her away, because no matter what happened, he was her son, and she had always loved him.

 

_ “...Please don’t come after me _

_ I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all _

_ Go ahead, just drink it off _

_ Both know you’re gonna call tomorrow like nothing’s wrong _

_ Ain’t that what you always do?...” _

 

A few days later, Suzanne had tried to call Dicky again for their weekly gossip updates on each other’s lives, as well as any new developments on the Jam Feud. She wanted to show him that even if things had changed, they were still the same people they had always been. She had hoped that his cheery voice would fill her phone speakers and calm her own thoughts, but the tired and strained voice she was met with only wound her up even more tightly.  _ “Hey mama, whad’ya need, I was just on my way out with- with Jack.” _

She could feel him closing off even 1000 miles away, imagining him cross his arms over his chest like he did when he didn’t want to talk about something. She tried to keep her voice chipper, not wanting to make the conversation more tense.  _ “Oh, I was just calling to see if you wanted to talk? I’m sure that parade was  _ something  _ with all of Jack’s teammates and your friends-” _

_ “Yep, it was great, but I really have to go Mama. I’ll talk to you later” _

_ “O-ok Dicky, I love yo-”  _

Suzanne hung up the phone with static ringing in her ears.

 

_ “... Feels like I’m on the edge right now _

_ I wish that I could say I’m proud...” _

But she was proud of him, she was so proud of all that he had done and was going to do. Why didn’t she tell him that before instead of saying that they could  _ “figure things out?” _ There was nothing they needed to figure out, there was nothing wrong with what he had done like so many people around her had implied.

_ “...I’m sorry that I let you down _

_ Let you down _

_ All these voices in my head get loud _

_ I wish that I could shut them out...” _

She had, deep down, let the words of other get to her. She had cared about the opinions of others to the point where she was willing to let her own child think that she would think the same things as them. She should have shut them all down without hesitation, without fail every time she heard a remark like that around her. But she didn’t know what to do at the time, she didn’t think to do anything. She wanted to take it all back, but she couldn’t.

Cars were honking behind her, the light having turned green and back to red twice before she could see through her tears well enough to drive safely to a nearby parking spot. She turned off the radio then, her head resting against the steering wheel as what felt like years of built up regret and anger at herself poured out of her. She had never wanted this for her son, this fear and anxiety of abandonment, and he had felt it for more years than she’d probably ever know. She picked up her phone, relying on muscle memory to get to the contact labeled Dicky with all the tears blocking her vision. The phone rang twice before someone picked up on the other end, a beat going by of Suzanne unable to speak through the sobs. “Mama? What’s wrong, what happened?”

“Dicky, Dicky honey. I’m so sorry...”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I hoped you enjoyed reading my work. I look forward to making more in the future, but hopefully non as sad any time soon.


End file.
